It has been nearly a month since I last posted. I considered it often but just couldn't bring myself to blog. It's been a tough month for me, but I am finally really feeling like I am mending.
The accident was a tough experience for several reasons. The first, obviously, was the fact that I nearly lost my child. I had nightmares every night for the first two weeks, reliving the first moments when I saw him in the pool and pulled him up. My first thought before I had even moved was that he might be dead. It was such a repelling thought to me that I literally shut down all my emotion so it wouldn't overwhelm me. There is a detrimental side effect to trying to smother your emotions. It tends to ooze out at unexpected times and in potent doses. My sweet Sunday school class got a dose two weeks ago when I suddenly began to sob uncontrollably and had to leave the room. This happened the first Sunday back during worship as well. What surprised me the most, though, was my enormous outburst this past Wednesday after I took Sylvester in to put him to sleep. After he passed oh-so-quietly, I erupted in massive sobs and gave myself the worst migraine I've ever had. But it seems that the emotional wall I had erected has been removed. I finally feel like I can smile again and really mean it.
The second side effect of the accident is I realized that I wasn't the perfect mom I thought I was. Now that sounds pretty ridiculous, but I had actually started patting myself on the back for getting to know my kids so well and fulfilling a need with my family before they even knew the need existed. To fail in such a miserable way was a wake-up call for me that I am not perfect. I had to take a good hard look in the mirror, see all my defects, and reconcile with that.
As I consider the last few weeks, I have come to realize that a lack of control troubled me greatly. I have had to give that over to God and I am working on completely accepting His forgiveness. Quite honestly, I didn't want to be forgiven at first. I didn't believe that I deserved it. In my mind, I had failed to meet the basic need of protecting my child. I thought, what kind of a crappy parent sits blithely watching one child while not noticing that another child struggles for his life only yards away?
Only Christ is perfect.
I know this. I have known this for years. But I have not fully understood it until now. It is actually very freeing to accept that I am not perfect and will never be perfect. I will continue to strive to be more Christ-like, but I will never be fully in control, meeting every need of my family or my friends or my church.
I think of what Paul said in I Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"
Through my deficiencies, Jesus Christ revealed His almighty power. He has reminded me that my children are a gift and that I have a responsibility to raise them to know, love, and serve Jesus. He has also reminded me that time is a very precious commodity. We must spend it wisely. I spend a lot more time loving on my children than before. I also have a renewed passion for sharing the Gospel. Everyone's clock is ticking and we never know when someone's timer is going to go off. Don't put off living for Christ and sharing the Gospel because tomorrow may not be there - for you or for the other person.
Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me in spite of my imperfections and for lifting me up in my despair. When I walk through my valleys, I pray that I will always remember to lift my eyes up to see the next mountain top I am approaching.
